Hitori
by pluto-mint
Summary: Shin never really liked to be alone. Read and review, please.


**Disclaimer:** GSD and related characters isn't mine. I'm just using them.

**Hitori**

A GSD fanfic by Pluto-mint

**Rating: **PG

**Warning:** Spoiler alert. Unedited fic… so yeah I guess the grammar can be quite confusing.

**Pairing:** None, I guess.

**Hitori**

_One is the loneliest number_

---

Shin Asuka has always been known as an oddity. Not that he could blame anyone, his own amethyst eyes were already a living proof of the shameful trait. As an oddity that he is, as a child Shin always found himself to stand out from the other kids, and because the society has always condemned those who are differ from the others, this had become a hurtful experience for him. So it was safe to say that from a tender age Shin had already learned his lessons for being different.

Of course being alone and left out between his peers didn't stop Shin in being happy. His family loved him and that was more than enough. Shin's family gave him the shelter that he needed as a child. They gave him a sense of security and affection, of acceptance and love. For years Shin had lived his life in a warm cocoon of protection, safe from those who condemned him.

Shin, of course, lived his life in a sense of normalcy and no one can blame him for that. He was just a normal kid who lived with his parent and sister, who also happen to live their life normally. He wasn't the son of a rich and famous person or let alone a president. He was just a regular high school student. Nothing big was meant to be happened on him.

But life's funny that way. A sudden twist of fate turned his life upside down and only in seconds away fate took everything that was his out of his grasp. And for the first time in his life, Shin finally realized that he was completely left alone.

---

Shin cursed the war for the tragic life he lived in. He felt the anger rising up on him but he had no one to point his fingers on. In the years to come Shin lived his life under the motivation of blind vengeance. He can never forget and he didn't want to. Mayu's cellular phone had become a momento for the tragic life that he lived in.

He spent the days in silence and loneliness. For days he felt the anger, the sadness, and the sorrow swelled up in him. He kept on living in a blind sight until he saw ZAFT recruitment notice on the refugee's camp. Shin wanted a sense of security and protection and that's why he listed for ZAFT.

And that was when he meets Rey and Lunamaria for the first time. He and Lunamaria quickly befriended to each other. But the same thing didn't go with him and Rey. Rey was, like him, an oddity too. The blonde boy spent most of his time in silence and Shin, though he cannot completely understand his motivation, didn't mind with the boy's silence. The three of them became inseparable and Shin found himself a new shelter.

But then Athrun came suddenly. And with his advent, Athrun turned Shin's cozy little arrangement into a mess. Lunamaria flirted with him and Rey seemed to hate him. But what annoyed him the most is how perfect and calm Athrun seemed to be. It's unnerving for Shin, who's always been known as an oddity, to see how normal Athrun is.

They had never been good to each other from the start, though the hostility was probably coming only from his side. They yelled and punched one another, but oddly enough, that didn't seem to manage to break them apart. For Shin, Athrun has always been within an arm reach. Athrun was the only person who always managed to kick his ass out of trouble.

But it wasn't Athrun that took everything away from Shin—though everything seemed to fade away when he left. It was the war that took everything away once again. Both Stellar and Rey was gone now. And though Lunamaria always stayed on his side but it doesn't feel the same anymore. Everything has changed. Lunamaria, like him, has grown into a little bit older from her age. And everything else turned into silence.

---

They said the only thing that's constant in life is change. For Shin there's always a grain of truth behind those words, people do change and so is life. The war changed everything and people changed along with it. But Shin could not understand why most people still managed to live their life with their heads held high. Athrun once said that _human are build conveniently and for this human being should be grateful_. And Shin could not understand this either.

Shin did not smile. Nor did he laugh. He couldn't even sleep at night. People told him to move on, to live his life once again. But no matter what they do or say, things have already changed. Life's not the same anymore. He blamed the war for that.

They told him to smile, to be grateful that he's alive. They even said not to waste his youth. Youth? What youth? He's barely twenty years old but he felt much older than his age. How could he smiled and acted as if nothing happened when all he could see was the nameless face he'd killed on the battle? How could he live his life as if nothing happened when all he could dream at night is Mayu's blood filled face?

Life is only a shade of gray now. He's alive but he wasn't living at all. He felt old and unused. Things… seemed to blur around him, melding and blending into one another. And they became worse at night, for each night he always found himself torn between the need to sleep and the fear of having to see another nameless face in his sleep. And at times like that all he can do is to clutching his sheet in terror, Rey's face and eyes lingered in his room. As if he was mocking him, _why do you live when you don't even want to?_ And as always, he kept himself in silence.

But the dreams and the sleepless nights weren't the worst part of it all; the worst thing of it all is that he was alone in this. There's no one he can turn to. And he felt himself different from the others, isolated from the world outside him. No one was able to touch him. These voices in his head (sometimes it's Stellar's, sometimes it's Rey's, and most of the times it's Mayu's) lingered in his head. Their words, screamings, and tears will forever be etched in his memory.

And for this every body seemed to be worried about him; Lunamaria and other people visit him regularly just to make sure he was alright, and even that Freedom pilot visited him once. They sat in a surprisingly comfortable silence and Shin, somehow, managed to behave civilly in front of the youth. These people told Shin how much they care or how much they were worrying about his condition. But it's not enough. Shin still felt alone. No one can hear him, no one knows the voices that linger inside his head, no one understands.

And so Shin ignored their words silently. Some half conscience in him told him that this was redemption, to live his life in the shades of gray, dull and tiresome for him. And Shin was too tired, too weak, to break this empty shell that was called life.

But then there's Athrun.

---

Athrun is weird in his own way. He appeared to be weak and yet it was often said that Athrun was the only person to beat that Freedom pilot. Among ZAFT soldiers Athrun Zala was a living legend. In his early days at ZAFT, Shin even admired his figure secretly. Athrun was known for his obedience and yet Athrun was the same person to break all the rules in ZAFT. And after knowing Athrun for years, Shin finally came to his conclusion that Athrun Zala, as normal as he may seem to be, was an oddity just like him.

But Athrun was still a puzzle he cannot break. He cannot fathom the reason of why Athrun had become the one to visit him on a regular basis despite of their differences. The older youth first came to visit him at the hospital. It happened on a bright May afternoon, the green leaves of the trees rustled along the summer breeze. Lunamaria was there too but then she left to meet her sister when he came. He had expected a yell or maybe a punch on his face. But nothing happened. Athrun just sat in silence and looked pass the window glass. After an hour or so of silence, he finally rose from his seat and brushed his fingers against Shin's forehead before saying with a ghost of a smile in his face, "It's alright, you should sleep now."

And sleep he did. After weeks spent in insomnia, he slept a dreamless sleep that day.

Athrun visited him again on a Sunday evening, the two of them spent that evening in silence, watching the seagulls soared into the sky. And unexpectedly Athrun was also the one to pick him up when the hospital allowed him to leave.

The summer wind blown his hair as Athrun drove him home and he wondered about the meaning of a 'home'. He refused to go back to his former house and so Athrun rented an apartment for him. He, then, was offered a scholarship by the ORB council and he, not knowing what to do after the war, took it and went back to the life he'd left behind.

His life was considerably good but he didn't feel happy at all. He still felt different and alone. His life was still on a shade of gray and the voices still linger in his head. And nights still felt like terror to him. But just as always, he kept himself in silence.

Shin shut himself from everything and everyone that he knows. Even Lunamaria cannot reach him. Shin's so called 'friendship' with Athrun itself didn't even start until Athrun visited him on a bright Saturday morning. On that particular morning, somehow, they end up going to a park together and watched the children played along with their parents. Shin listened to Athrun gentle talking in silence. The morning breeze brushed his skin as Athrun rose from his seat and decided to buy them coffee, leaving Shin alone in his silence.

He was so absorbed in his silence that he failed to notice the little girl that was crying next to him. The blonde hair of the girl reminded him of Stellar. Awkwardly he tried to calm the little girl while he's desperately trying to snatch the memory of Mayu and him inside his memory. The girl's crying lessened a little as Shin asked him, "What's wrong?"

"I can't find my mommy."

Gingerly Shin took her hand and started to walk around the park with the girl. After 30 minutes of walking, they finally found a lady with a distress look in her face. The little girl ran to the lady's arm in delight. The mother of the girl bowed to Shin politely as the little girl waved him good bye, "Thank you, Nii-chan!"

Shin didn't expect to see Athrun's smiling face as he turned his back. The morning breeze ruffled Athrun's shoulder length hair as Shin took the coffee from his offering hand. The sunshine that was seeping from the thick branches of the trees flowing like rivers of gold under his feet as the two walked together in silence.

And he can feel the warmth seeping into him as Athrun murmured in an almost inaudible voice, "You know what, I'm glad we decided to go to this park today…"

"Why?"

Athrun was silent for a moment, but then he smiled almost sheepishly and answered the question in his usual soft spoken tone, "It's nothing really… but something just occurs to me Shin… if you weren't here, then I'm sure the little girl might still be lost right now... I guess everything do happen for a reason, don't they?"

Shin smiled for the first time in months.

Athrun may not know the truth behind his words, but the truth is, those words, they gave Shin a sense of forgiveness, that in a way it was saying 'It's alright to be alive. You are here for a good reason.' And though Shin still cannot completely forgive himself, but those words gave him the strength to carry on with the wreckage that was his life. And for that Shin was grateful to Athrun.

---

After that particular Saturday morning, Athrun, somehow, became a constant presence in his life. The older youth would visit him regularly. On Sundays, Athrun would drop by and cooked the breakfast for him, and sometimes Lunamaria would come along with him. On Wednesdays, Athrun would called to ask him about the weather and other inessential thing, and he would, in return, answered those questions in a flat tone that told the older youth, 'I'm fine. Don't worry'.

Shin found these things becoming rather enjoyable for him. He liked walking down the park with Athrun in silence and he loved having Athrun near. Sometimes Shin felt that his shades of gray fade a little when Athrun was around. But what Shin treasure the most was the trivial things that Athrun has given to him, like a pat on his shoulder when he bit his lip and telling him about the voices inside his head, or a hug when his insomnia seemed to be at worst, or maybe it's just the simple fact that the blue haired youth would sat besides him in silence as he's trying to unfold the mystery that was called life. It was comforting to have Athrun's presence near and it was almost as if Shin found himself another shelter. And somehow Athrun found its way to Shin's heart.

At first Shin was barely aware to his dependence to the blue haired youth. But then he finally noticed how much he's fidgeting on Sunday mornings, or how much he missed Athrun's call on Wednesdays. It's hard of course for Shin to accept this fact. But it's harder for Shin to ignore Athrun presence every time he's around. Needless to say those signs were not a sufficient indicator for Shin in realizing the whole truth.

It took an injured Athrun appearing at his apartment on one Sunday morning, after not visiting or even calling Shin for weeks, to make Shin realize the whole situation. At first, he wanted to yell to other youth, or to punch him in the face for making him worried, or to hug him just because he missed his presence terribly. But he did nothing instead. He was too stunned to the revelation of missing Athrun's presence that much.

And then there's that constricted feeling in his heart when he saw Athrun's wounded arm before him. Athrun, then, apologized to him for being unable to meet him or even call him in weeks. Apparently Athrun was injured badly during a test flight for a new mobile suit soon to be launched in ORB. He was lucky to be alive, he could've been dead by now.

Upon hearing this, Shin then remembered the feeling of anger, the hurt, and the loneliness he felt during those empty weeks he'd spent without Athrun by his side. And Shin finally opened his eyes and sees the truth. He needed Athrun like he never needed anyone before, and yet … Athrun, he will leave as everyone eventually does. Mayu, Rey, and Stellar left, didn't they? And Shin would be left alone once again.

Shin trembled and bit his lip upon realizing the unfolded truth. But he forced himself to smile as Athrun shuffled around his kitchen in the process of making the breakfast for him. Athrun's soft spoken voice resonated in his head, and Shin leaned in to his propping elbow, closing his eyes and trying to remember each and every moment they spend together, because Athrun will leave, as they eventually do.

He was meant to be alone anyway.

---

Fear has been known to drive human in doing the nonsensical things. And Shin was afraid. He feared the impending future in which he's found to be alone once again. What if the loneliness was too much to bear after Athrun left? Wouldn't it be better for Shin to shut himself once again before the wounds ran too deep? And so he shut every phone call he had from Athrun and he locked his door every time he hears the soft footsteps of the blue haired boy behind his door. And he tried not to hear Athrun's worried voice behind his door in his restless sleep.

But Athrun never really left. Athrun was there as he always does. Sometimes he would send him messages in his phone; sometimes he would slip a new copy of Shin's favorite magazine from the gap under his door every now and then, and leaving Shin in his confusion. Why didn't he leave?

On one fine Sunday evening Shin could hear Athrun's soft voice calling him behind the door, he knocked the door repeatedly, and after a few hesitant steps, Shin can hear Athrun's soft voice calling him for the last time. And then there was silence.

A silence so deep and deafening that it frighten Shin so much with its intensity. This must be it. He must've really left right now and this time it's for real. Shin grew more afraid with each seconds passed. The loneliness was started to creeping in him once again.

Shin clutched his chest, unable to bear the silence, and opened the door to catch Athrun's fading steps but then come to realizing that Athrun was there, leaning on the wall of his apartment, always there as he always does.

Shin blushed and bowed his head in defeat; soon he was caught inside the taller youth's arms. And Shin felt the tears rolling down his cheeks. His fingers clutching Athrun so tight as if he was trying to hold on to the boy like a lifeline.

"I thought you're leaving…"

Athrun ran his fingers in Shin's sleek raven hair, "No. I won't."

"Why?" Shin asked in a croaked voice. The tears were streaming down his face, soaking Athrun's shirt in result. But Athrun kept him still in his arms, whispering to him in soft spoken words, "The voices…, you told me about the voices once, I used to hear them too. And I … I won't let you be alone in this."

Unable to form a word, Shin held the older youth tighter and wept. He cried in quiet gasps that it shook his shoulders inside the embrace. And it's finally clear to him that Athrun understands, that Athrun can hear the voices too and he wasn't alone in this. Athrun was there as he always does. He can feel Athrun's fingers softly threading in his hair, a faint scent of cologne linger in his skin, and this… all of this was real. Athrun is real and he's not leaving. Overwhelmed by the truth, Shin buried his face deeper in the crook of the taller boy's neck and let the tears fall once again as the taller boy whisper in his ear, "I won't let you be alone again…

Never."

---

Outside a little girl held her mother's hand and laughed. The little girl remembered a boy with the most beautiful amethyst eyes she had ever seen and in her heart she secretly wished for the boy's happiness. The stars twinkled in the sky and Shin finally found himself a home.

--Fin--

**A/N:** I was actually trying to write a fic about Shin who suffers a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), but somehow it ends up this way. I've been reading a number of fics that featured a healing Shin and a helping Athrun, so I guess some people may consider this fic as a lame fic (uhh… though I really hope not), but I can assure you that this fic was written long before I read those fic.

By the way just in case anyone noticed, I just want to tell you that the line '_human are build conveniently_' wasn't mine. I took it from my most favorite manga of all time, that is, "Monster" by Urusawa Naoki-sensei. It's a must read manga for you who loved reading psychological thriller stuff. And one more thing, though this fic isn't necessarily shounen ai but it can be considered that way for you who enjoy it. And for those who dislike shounen ai stuff, hints can be ignored if you want to and no flame please.

Anyway, do write your review please! Thanks.


End file.
